(TW: Violence, lots and lots of violence, a shocking amount of violence really for a book called "Young Romance"?)
|#1 One-Shot! Rated "T" for Teen!|
The fun starts right on the cover, because ARMORED BUTT. I love that Wonder Woman's metal(?) armor has a built-in wedgie. Also, I love that her nipples are apparently located somewhere on the bottom of her gigantic breasts. And I love that they're straight-up dry-humping over the smoldering corpses of their enemies. And Superman's knee-pads. Oh God, Superman's knee-pads. I know this gripe is like a year-and-a-half old by now but... WHY DOES SUPERMAN NEED ARMOR? HE'S SUPERMAN! WHY, JIM LEE? WHY?!
So once you get past the cover (which, to be real, took me a few minutes), then you're forced to deal with the stories. And... hoo boy. They sure are something. Let's take a look, won't we?
Batman and Catwoman in "Think It Through" by Nocenti, Lupacchino, and Mendoza
|Catwoman: Hella Emo|
Or at least, that's what you'd think. Instead, the story opens on Catwoman, having failed a robbery(?!?!), sitting on a rooftop being reflective and mopey. Because that's what I think of when I think of Catwoman, and also when I think of romance.
Catwoman starts to reminisce about the first time she met Batman. And I know it's common practice for me to say that The Nü52 gets everything wrong, but MAN, The Nü52 gets EVERYTHING wrong. Batman: Year One is basically the perfect Batman comic. Y'all just released it as an animated feature last year! Why you gotta' fuck with it?!
Turns out that Catwoman first met Batman when she and her teenage boyfriend attempted to steal some shit from some poor people. Batman showed up, knocked them around, and scolded them like they were small children.
|Please don't say "huge spunk" again, Batman.|
Though, to be totally fair, in their actual first encounter, Batman uttered the immortal line "QUIET OR PAPA SPANK!" Batman and Catwoman have a complicated relationship, y'all.
So Catwoman karate-kicks Batman once or twice, he chases after her, and then they smash through a window. That's it. That's the whole story. Young... Romance?
Aquaman and Mera in "The Lighthouse" by Castellucci and Miranda
|ACTION! ADVENTURE! AQUAMAN!|
Batgirl in "Dreamer" by Fawkes and Gopez
|Wait, who is this guy again?|
This was an odd one. I'm guessing it ties into the narrative of Gail Simone's ongoing Batgirl series or something. Apparently at some point in the past, Batgirl kissed this random thug, Ricky (who has a single crutch like Tiny Tim), for some reason that was not related to romance. Maybe a distraction or something? They don't explain it at all.
The story opens with Ricky committing petty burglaries to get Batgirl's attention so that maybe they can kiss again. She shows up, and then some other thugs show up and threaten her and Ricky, so she annihilates them. Then he badgers her into a pity kiss, and she gets totes turned on by it, much to her surprise. Is this a fanfic or something? Who is Ricky?
Now, I'm just gonna' skip the stalking and the sexual harassment. They are what they are, and clearly she enjoys the attention (Oh my God that actually hurt to type!). What I really want to explore is the extreme risk that this Ricky guy was taking here. How did he know that breaking into cars would summon Batgirl? What if he got Batman instead, or Robin, or the Red Hood, or Nightwing? He'd have ended up in the hospital, all because he was trolling for hot makeouts with a superhero.
Lastly, I took great delight in the fact that Batgirl's hair kept disappearing and reappearing from panel to panel. It's that sort of quality artwork that makes folks like me have such respect for DC Comics and the Nü52.
|Kissing criminals makes her hair get sucked inside her cowl for 30 seconds.|
Apollo and Midnighter in "Seoul Brothers" by Milligan and Bisley
I haven't actually gotten any chances to say it on this blog yet - so forgive me this brief tangent - but seriously, FUCK Mark Millar and his stupid bullshit rape fantasies. If you actually enjoy that piece of shit's comics, you and I need to sit down for a talk.
ANYWAY. I was a little dismayed to find in this story that they retconned away Apollo and Midnighter's marriage. In a lot of ways, I actually find that more upsetting then the undoing of the Superman/Lois Lane wedding. And judging by this (albeit short) story, they aren't even a couple anymore!
This story follows Apollo as he searches around Seoul for Midnighter to confess his feelings for him, but Midnighter is too busy kicking the holy hell out of a bunch of dudes with guns to really pay attention. When they finally get a moment alone together, Midnighter completely blows off Apollo's feelings.
Unlike the others in this collection, this story actually was well-written and well-drawn, but... I still can't shake that Nü52 feeling. This is not my beautiful house. This is not my beautiful wife. Well? How did I get here?
Nightwing and Ursa Minor in "Another Saturday Night" by Higgins and Greene
|I seriously have no idea who Ursa Major is.|
I DO know that Ursa Major is a fucking AWESOME character over in the Marvel Universe. Also, my title isn't a typo: The title of this story refers to her as "Ursa Minor" but she is referred to as "Ursa Major" during the actual story.
At any rate, Ursa Major somehow overhears Dick's side of the conversation over all the screaming and kicking, takes pity on the poor dope, and decides to spend an evening leaping around on rooftops and eating takeout with him to cheer him up. It's actually a sweet little story. At the end of their super-date, Ursa Major says "Maybe we should do it again sometime." Nightwing suggests the next night, and she agrees.
He shows up the next night with a box of pizza in his hands and a smile on his face. AND SHE TOTALLY STANDS HIM UP.
|That's fucking COLD, Ursa Major. You're demoted back to Ursa Minor.|
Superman and Wonder Woman in "Truth Or Dare" by Diggle, Rocha, and Ferreire
|Quit name-dropping, Hipster Wonder Woman.|
Clark Kent and Diana are out on a date, at a romantic outdoor restaurant in Tuscany. They're having some light conversation about Diana's family, and OH MY GOD CLARK KENT JUST TOOK OFF HIS GLASSES IN PUBLIC.
I suspect Clark was just too distracted by Wonder Woman's enormous breasts to realize his error in judgement.
|"Dammit! I totally didn't expect her to deflect the bullets with her magic bracelets!"|
|How short are this guy's legs, anyway? Does he have no thighs?!|
And then Wonder Woman and Superman say some sappy romantic things to eachother, which is really sort of the only romance in this entire comic.
Bonus: Perforated Tear-Out Valentines! For the Kids!
|(click to embiggen)|
So there you have it. The Nü52's Young Romance #1. If you enjoy bad comics (and I most assuredly do), you should definitely pick this up. It came out last week for some reason, but I can't imagine that too many people bought it.
Happy Valentine's Day from OpinionsAboutThings Dot Com!